My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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