if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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