Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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