peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
