Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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