I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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