i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize