my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
