Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
