im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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