My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
