Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
