I have demons in me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize