I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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