Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The air was thick with penises
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
