I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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