totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
