Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
