Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
