upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize