Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
