The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
