i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
