oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
