What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
