I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
