i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Farmville is her only friend.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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