I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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