He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
