I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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