The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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