turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
