great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
