Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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