Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
