Im at strip club and am horny
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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