I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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