It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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