There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
