Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
