Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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