One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
