It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
