I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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