So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
