Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
