Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
