saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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