is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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