the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
