Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
