I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
