I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
