if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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