can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
