My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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