just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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