you traded sex for a burrito?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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