She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
do nipples grow back?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
