she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i've created a new STD.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
