I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
