I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
