she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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