This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
