You just made me feel so damn special
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
