yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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