Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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