I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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