If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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