new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
