my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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