hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My life is pants optional.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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