I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
